The Global Conquest of the Jellybeans
by Malirunic
Summary: Crack!fic. Alex Rider has taken down all sorts of madmen bent on world conquest, but now rises a new competitor... giant evil terrorist jellybeans. Can Alex figure out the secret to defeating them, or has he finally met his match? WARNING: UTTER CRACK
1. Prolougue

**A/N: due to the (relative) success of my first Alex Rider fanfiction, The Online Adventures of Alex and Co (relative to my other stories), I am writing another AR fic! And yes, it is crack again. xD This chappie's just a teaser, just cuz I wanted to get it posted ASAP.**

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned Alex Rider, THIS is what all the books would be like. And that wouldn't sell very well, would it? ^_^**

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"Sir, the preparations are complete."

"Good. And all possible enemies have been disposed of?"

"All except for one, a 14-year-old named Alex Rider. MI6 should be sending him in soon, we can kill him easily then."

"Good. You are dismissed, Cantaloupe."

The jellybean in question, Cantaloupe, bowed respectfully (Yes, jellybeans can bow) and retreated from the ornate study. As the heavy oak door closed softly behind him, Cinnamon leaned back in his chair and smiled. Everything was ready. For years, jellybeans had been ignored, thrown away, eaten.... But soon every human, animal, and bug would finally come to realize to the fullest extent the suppressed power of all the jellybeans in the world, from Blueberry to Canned Dog Food (Yes, that's a flavor). All that remained was a single teenager named Alex Rider. And just like Cantaloupe said, MI6 would no doubt send him in to try and stop their scheme soon. He would be easily disposed of, and then would come the day he and all the others had been waiting for.....

And yes, jellybeans would finally have their revenge.

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**A/N: Think this is a neat idea? Stupid idea? Stupid idea but still interesting? Review if ya want the first chappie! -dangles chapter on string-**

**(Yes, me likes reviews very much, thank ye.)**


	2. I: Assignment

**A/N: Here's the first chapter. I wrote it in 10 minutes, so naturally it sucks. Sorry.**

**DISCLAIMER: I'm too tired and depressed to think of a witty disclaimer. So... I don't own anything.**

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Alex Rider, reluctant teenage spy (and a very good football player) was bored. Very, very bored. His school was on winter holiday, and MI6 was finally leaving him alone. He was quite shocked to admit that without MI6 blackmailing him onto their suicidal missions, each of which he barely managed to complete with his life intact, life was very boring. In fact, Alex was so bored that he almost _wanted_ MI6 to call him and drag him to some foreign country where he would most certainly sustain several notable injuries and possibly die.

Almost.

But an "almost" was apparently enough for Fate to have its way, because the phone chose that exact moment to ring. _How coincidential it would be for MI6 to ring now_, Alex mused.

"Rider household."

"Alex, we would like you to head over to the Royal & General in ten minutes."

Alex grimaced. Speak of the devil.

"I don't really have a choice, Do I?"

"We'll send a car to pick you up." The line went dead.

"Yes, goodbye to you too," Alex muttered sarcastically.

As promised, eaxactly 10 minutes later, a sleek black car pulled in front of the Rider house. Within the next twenty minutes, Alex once again found himself in the "Royal & General Bank" facing Mr. Blunt and Ms. Jones, all safe and sound in their little bulletproof office all the time, and making Alex do their dirty work.

"Alex, we have a favour to ask." As usual, Ms. Jones was direct and to the point.

"Ask away."

"We've discovered a new criminal organization, calling themselves 'Candide Libertas'. As of now we are unsure of their motives, which is why we would like to send you in and investigate. Nothing dangerous, just

some snooping around."

"Riiiiight. What happens if I don't accept?"

"Well, nothing, really."

"Really?"

"Yes, but if you would just take a look at some of these profiles we have for the few known members...." Ms. Jones passed him a thick manilla file folder.

Alex blinked. They were giving him a choice for once! He took the file and flipped to the first profile. He stared in astonishment at the picture.

"...It's a jellybean."

"Correction, it is a 6-foot-tall Cinnamon jellybean with a gun."

Alex raised his head to stare in disbelief at Ms. Jones. "You've got to be kidding me."

"We're not, Alex."

He shook his head in submission. "I guess I'll go, but only because this is so damned stupid," he muttered.

"Excellent. Here is the plan: you will go into the Jelly Belly manufacturing plant in Belgium posing as an English school-age tourist wishing for a tour of the place."

"Wait- why Belgium?"

"Because that is the nearest plant that has been taken over by Candide Libertas. Anyways, you will be going in with agents Regina Bakerson and David Rich, who will pose as your 'parents'."

Okay... do I get any gadgets?"

"Of course. I'll ring for Smithers." Ms. Jones quickly dialed Smither's number, and soon Alex was once again in the fat man's office, admist a great deal of probably lethal "toys".

"Alex, m'boy! Good to see you again!"

"Hello, Smithers."

"Going up against jellybeans, eh? Well, due to the... interesting nature of this assignment, I've had to design several very special gadgets. First off, there's this." Smithers held up a plastic Ziploc bag.

Alex raised an eyebrow. "What...?" he started, but didn't get to finish.

"Ah! But of course, this is no usual plastic baggie! You see, if you tear of this upper portion of the bag, separate the two Ziploc pieces, and then shake them both for a couple seconds, they will produce a large pile of

spinach!"

"...Why would I need spinach?"

"Well, every teen should know that a jellybean's greatest weakness is spinach..."

"Why would jellybeans even _have _weaknesses? They're not alive."

"Wrong again, Alex! Have you ever actually eaten more than 2 bags of jellybeans at once?"

"No..."

"I didn't think so. Well, once you do, you'll see, or hear, rather, what I'm talking about. The jellybeans actually scream when you bite into them after a while."

"...Really."

"Yes, would you like to try?"

"Maybe later. But what does this have to do with spinach?"

"Well, once you try to eat jellybeans with spinach, you'll understand that."

"I see."

Smithers clapped his hands together. "Moving on!" he now pulled out a fun-sized packet of Jelly Belly jellybeans. "These, of course, are necessary if going to a jellybean factory. Simply throw one at an enemy and it'll

explode into... more spinach."

"...Okay."

"...Yeah. Well, anyways, that's all I have for you today. Take care, Alex!"

Alex stood up and smiled. "You too, Smithers," he replied before being ushered out the door by two men in very conspicious black suits.

He was lead to the front door, and even offered a ride home, but Alex declined in favour of riding the Tube. Once home, he sighed heavily, wondering what he'd tell Jack. 'MI6 wants me to infiltrate an organization of spiteful jellybeans?' well, that'd sure get a hell of a response.

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**A/N: Ick. Let the horridness wash over your soul. Well, my school tennis team failed today at our tournament, and I personally failed considerably in the second round, so in general I'm having a fail-day. So I can't write. Oh yeah, and I haven't started on my English project that was assigned a month ago. And I'm still deprived of sleep. So.... G'night for now. Second chapter will be better, hopefully.**


	3. II: Encounter

**A/N: Gomen nasai!!!!! I'm really sorry!!! I did it again!!! Ahh!!! How long has it been since my last update?!?! I've forgotten!!! I'm so so so SO sorry, everybody! But I've been suffering from writer's block as of recent, and my drawing has taken a priority. Ah, who am I kidding. I'm sorry for not updating, I'm sure you all have forgotten about this story by now.... =(**

**Disclaimer: Thankfully I am not Anthony Horowitz, otherwise Crocodile Tears would still be half-finished.**

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When Jack got home, Alex had decided to tell her a partial truth instead of lying. "MI6 wants me to go on an assignment again," he said casually.

Jack sighed heavily. "And I suppose you don't have a choice, as usual?"

"Yeah."

"So... where're you going this time?"

"Belgium. Criminal organization. They want me to investigate."

"Figures. Well, make sure you return alive, Alex. Or else I'll kill you. Sorta."

He managed to laugh at this. "Yeah, sure."

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The next day, a black car pulled up in front of Alex's house once again. The driver drove Alex silently to the London International Airport. As soon as Alex stepped out of the car, the driver drove away. Alex rolled his eyes and looked around, wondering what the hell was was supposed to do now. He soon saw two people, a man and a woman, stiding towards him.

As they approached, they held out their hands for Alex to shake. "We are Rich and Bakerson. Are you Alex?"

Alex nodded silently, though it was obviously unnecessary. The group exchanged formalities and then briskly set off to a terminal. Alex trailed behind the two agents, since he was unsure which terminal they were headed to.

A couple minutes later, they sat down at Terminal F. The woman, Bakerson, handed Alex his ticket. He glanced down at it. "Allen Rays". Well, at least it had his real initals.

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3 hours and a plane ride later, Alex found himself facing a tall, intimidating rectangle-shaped structure, with "JELLY BELLY FACTORIES, INC" printed on a faded sign hanging over the main door. The 'family' entered the factory to arrive in a whitewashed reception area. There was no one at the front desk, but after a moment a young, attractive brunette in tight-fitting business clothes walked out of a staff door and approached them. "Welcome to Jelly Belly," she said crisply. "How may I help you?"

"We were wondering if you could give us a tour of the factory. Our son's wanted to see the inside of a candy factory ever since he watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at age seven," Bakerson replied. The tight-clothes woman smiled good naturedly. "Right this way."

The group followed the woman through a side door. They arrived in a smaller, blank room with no windows. As soon as all three of them were inside, the door slammed shut behind them. When Alex took a small step towards it, a resounding "click" echoed through the room. The door had been locked.

Rich narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the tight-clothes woman. As he did, a malicious grin spread across her face. Then, before the group's very eyes, she began transforming into... a light blue, 5 and 1/2 foot-tall Jellybean! The jellbean tilted his/her/its head back (yes, jellybeans can tilt their head back) and let lose a horrid, evil laugh. "Foolish little human spies!" he/she/it screeched. "You've walked right into our trap! Now, the world shall belong to jellybeans and jellybeans only!"

The two adult pulled out handguns and fired at the still-laughing jellybean. However, the bullets appeared to pass through the jellybean's body, as if through water. This only made the jellybean laugh even harder. "Stupid human beans, your bullets cannot harm us! All your base are belong to _us_ now!!!" The jellybean pulled out his/her/its own (light blue) gun and aimed it at the spies. He/she/it fired once, twice, and the two adults dropped dead to the floor, perfect bullet holes through their foreheads.

Acting instinctively, Alex ducked a bullet aimed at his head and darted towards the jellybean. As he ran, he reached into his pocket and retrieved the packet of Jelly Belly (normal-sized) jellybeans Smithers had given him. He ripped open the bag and threw two beans at the larger-than-life jellybean standing before him. Sure enough, they exploded into pieces of spinach. Surprisingly, however, they appeared to be completely harmless to the jellybean! Indeed, he/she/it did nothing to show the disgusting vegetable affected him/her/it, and continued to shoot at Alex. Alex hissed in pain and frustration as a bullet grazed his shoulder. He idly noticed that it was light-blue (the bullet, not his shoulder). _Why isn't the spinach working?!?_ he thought angrily. Had Smithers been wrong?

But Alex did not get any more time to ponder this. As soon as he finished his last thought, a group of 5 or 6 huge jellybeans burst into the room, all carrying machine guns that matched their body colour. Upon seeing this, the light blue jellybean stopped his/her/its shooting and saluted the group obediently. The group marched through the door silently and arranged themselves into a line in front of Alex. Said teenage spy regarded this all very suspiciously, but did not make a move in fear of the machine guns the jellybeans sported.

Behind the armed group walked a dark red jellybean. This jellybean had no gun, but somehow radiated a certain confidence and power the others did not. The red jellybean walked calmly up to Alex and bowed (remember, jellybeans can bow). "It is an honor to meet you, Alex Rider. I am sure by now your little MI6 has told you all about us jellybeans. I am Cinnamon, the leader of Candide Libertas. Now, under normal circumstances, I would just had you killed by miss Berry Blue over here," he gestured towards the light blue jellybean from before, "But a few pieces of knowledge have come to my ears. I hear that there is much to gain by keeping you alive, Alex. After all, it isn't every day that one meets a teenage spy as talented as yourself!" the jellybean paused to chuckle softly.

By now, Alex was very, very suspicious. Deciding to use his advantage of surprise, he abruptly lashed out a kick towards Cinnamon. The jellybean gave out an indignant yelp of surprise and toppled over like a very fat man. The armed group from before wasted no time. As soon as Alex made his move, they scattered out and began to surround Alex. Alex managed to take about three of them down with well-aimed roundhouse kicks, but the remaining few easily tacked him to the ground. Despite his desparate thrashing, one brought out a hydrothermic syringe and sunk it into Alex's pinned arm.

Alex's thrashing slowed and weakened, and within seconds, his world had gone black.

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**A/N: Review, please? If only to flame at me for updating after **_**months **_**with such a crappy and short chapter?**

**By the way, the only reason you got this chapter at all was because I was sugar-high and too hyperactive to do anything other than write crack. =)**


	4. III: Captured

**A/N: No amount of apologies will make up for my 6-month hiatus or however long it's been. But I'm terribly sorry anyway, I really mean it. I'm just... not good at finishing things, okay?**

**No fear, though; I WILL finish this story, just like my other AR one! I expect the next chapter to be the last, with MAYBE an epilougue after that.**

**By the way, I just finished Crocodile Tears, which was great, but in case there's anyone who hasn't read it, I'll stick with this fic being between Snakehead and Crocodile Tears. No CT spoilers. =)**

**Disclaimer: I own neither Alex Rider nor Jelly Belly. Though I wouldn't mind owning either. ;)**

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When Alex woke up, he found himself in a tiny white cell with a single whitewashed door, a simple bed, and chemical toilet. He absently noted that jellybeans had some sort of obsession with white colored rooms as he pushed himself to his feet. Upon pressing the edges of the door with his fingertips, he discovered that it was built flush up against the wall, and locked one-way from the outside. So much for breaking out.

No sooner had he backed away from the door did a white-and-yellow splotched jellybean (with matching gun, of course) barge through the door. Its face held an expression of undisguised hate and rage. "Out," he growled angrily, gesturing towards the door. Alex hesitantly took a step forward, but the jellybean harshly shoved the butt of his gun into his back, propelling him out the door.

As he was led through the building he was being held in, Alex payed careful attention to the twisting pattern of corridors and turns, in case he needed to know the way during an escape. A few minutes later, he found himself in front of an ornate wooden door. The jellybean that led him here reached out and tapped briskly on the door three consecutive times, then stood back.

"Enter," a commanding voice called out. The white-and-yellow jellybean turned the doorknob and shoved Alex into the room. Alex stumbled and nearly fell flat on his face, but caught himself in time and sent a glare at the jellybean.

The original occupant of the room chuckled a sickening, decietfully sweet laugh. Alex Rider turned towards the voice and found himself face to face with none other than the red jellybean from the picture MI6 had shown him. Alex let out an astonished gasp. The jellybean sitting behind an extravagant wooden desk was a rich maroon-red colour, with dark beady eyes and an evil aura to match any Scorpia board member. He was ten times as frightening in real life than in the picture.

The jellybean in question smiled pleasantly (yes, jellybeans can smile). "I must say, it is an honor to finally meet you, Alex Rider," he began. "You've built yourself quite the reputation, you know. Unfortunately, that also means that we, Candide Libertas, must kill you."

Alex had the courtesy to spit at the jellybean. The wad of liquid landed about a foot short, instead splattering over some paperwork on he desk in front of the jellybean.

However, the jellybean chose to pretend he did not notice, and instead continued his speech, smile still evident on his face (yes, jellybeans have faces). "Ah! I almost forgot to introduce myself, how foolish of me. I am the one who heads the Candide Libertas operation. You may call me Cinnamon.

"I'm sure you're very curious what our organization wants. In fact, I'll bet that's what MI6 sent you here to find out. Well, our reason is simple, really. You see, for years, you humans have looked down on us, thrown us away, eaten us... treated us as no more than disposable food. But this will all change very, very soon. I, along with a couple scientist friends, have developed a special chemical formula that lets us jellybeans grow to this size. After that, equipping our new army was easy. You won't believe how easily humans lose their will to fight in the face of a 6-foot-tall jellybean. And so, thirty-six hours from now, I will unlease this army of 7,124,345 giant armed jellybeans on your entire _world_! Then, this world will belong to _us_ alone! Ahahahahaha!" To finish his monologue, Cinnamon added a horrendously evil cackle at the end. Alex barely suppressed a shudder.

"Look, that's fine and all, but I've got a lot of homework to catch up on, so mind telling me what this has to do with me and then I can go home?" Alex questioned calmly.

Cinnamon's smile somehow grew more evil. "Curiousity killed the cat, Alex Rider."

"Satisfaction brought it back."

"You're a cheeky brat, aren't you?" Somehow, the oversized candy's smile was beginning to seem less and less like a smile.

"Who, me?" Alex replied cheekily.

Cinnamon narrowed his eyes at Alex for a moment, then shrugged. "Fair enough," he continued. "But you will not be finishing your homework. Unfortunately for you, your life will end today. You see, dear Alex, Candide Libertas is a very _careful_ organization. We cannot let any infiltrators leave alive. After all, who knows what secrets you have already heard? For one, you already know my identity, which is reason enough to kill you." Cinnamon clapped briskly (yes, jellybeans can clap) and at once the white-and-yellow jellybean appeared at Alex's side. Alex briefly wondered where he had been during Cinnamon's self-obsession speech.

"Caramel Corn, please escort young Alex back to his cell. I shall see him again tomorrow morning for his execution," the red jellybean ordered. The white-and-yellow jellybean, apparently named Caramel Corn, bowed (remember, jellybeans can bow) before roughly seizing Alex by the arm and leading him out of the room.

Once back in his cell, Alex sprawled across the bed (oddly enough, it smelled of coconut) and mentally sorted out everything he had learned today. One, Candide Libertas was headed by a red jellybean named Cinnamon. Two, said jellybean was completely insane and wanted to take over the world (but then, what villian didn't?). And three, jellybeans liked to have colour-coordinated guns.

Alex Rider sighed and sat up. He needed to contact MI6, and fast, before he lost his mind.

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**A/N: Next chappie will be up in the next couple days, I promise. Oh, and in case anyone still hasn't figured it out or Googled it, "Candide Libertas" means "Candy Liberty". Yeah.**

**Review, or else I'll lose the motivation to update. Again. D=**


	5. IV: Breakout

**A/N: This time I was lazy enough to not even bother proofreading. Yay.**

**The last chappie only got 3 reviews, and one was from someone I know in real life. I'm sad. D=**

**Disclaimer: I'm too sad to think of something witty. I don't own Alex Rider, okay?**

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The next morning, Alex woke up feeling refreshed and ready to take on whatever the day had in store for him.

That is, of course, until he remembered he had been kidnapped by giant evil jellybeans.

Alex rolled quickly out of bed. Today was the day Cinnamon said he would kill him. And Alex was determined to make it the day he would escape.

Soon enough, two armed jellybeans opened his cell door. Alex recognized one of them as Caramel Corn. The other was pure white. And, of course, both had guns matching their respective colours.

Caramel Corn gestured for Alex to follow them. "Out," he ordered bluntly.

Alex raised his hands in mock-surrender and followed the two jellybeans out of the cell. "Whatever you say, captain."

This only earned a deadly glare from Caramel Corn (yes, jellybeans can glare). "If you know what's good for you, you'll shut your smartass mouth up, you-" before he could finish, the previously silent white jellybean rested a hand gently on his shoulder (yes, jellybeans have shoulders). "Caramel Corn, don't hurt him. Cinnamon wants him healthy before the kill," the new jellybean murmured.

Caramel Corn spun around and snarled at his companion. "You shut up too, newcomer," he retorted angrily. "You think you're so great, always kissing up to the boss, acting all passive and stuff, but oh, I know the truth about you, you're just a concieted little bitch who-"

"_Shut up_."

"...What?"

"Shut _up_, fool! While you were going on your little tirade, it seems young Alex has gone _missing_!" The white jellybean hissed.

"..."

An awkward silence descended upon the room. Finally...

"Fuck," Caramel Corn swore.

The white jellybean rolled his eyes. "'Fuck' is right. Quite a prediactment we've got ourselves here, wouldn't you say?" the sarcasm was so thick the air tempurature dropped about 10 degrees celsius.

"Wait a minute..." Caramel Corn turned and stared warily at the white jellybean. "You were the last one in the cell when we came. _You _were the one who left the door open so _Alex _could escape, _Coconut_." He narrowed his eyes accusingly.

The white jellybean, Coconut, shot Caramel Corn a blank, easy smile. "Is that so?"

"You... you bloody traitor!" With that, Caramel Corn lunged at Coconut, preparing to tackle him down. Coconut, however, abruptly stepped to the side, causing Caramel Corn to crash into the wall. The white jellybean turned around calmly before taking on a fighting stance (yes, jellybeans can take on fighting stances). "Oh, I'm a traitor all right, but bloody? Not yet; _you_, my friend, are the one who will be bloody." For the first time, Coconut let his natural American accent seep into his voice.

Caramel Corn gasped. "You... you're American!"

"CIA, actually." With that, Coconut twisted backwards and swiftly dealt the other jellybean a blow to the temple, effectively knocking him out cold.

The white jellybean straightened and dusted off his (nonexistent) hands. "It seems the party is finally starting."

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"Quiet! I heard something just now!"

"Really!?!? Could it be an intruder!?!"

Alex ducked back behind the corner and swore under his breath. He'd been heard, and it wouldn't be long before he was found.

Sure enough...

A dark green jellybean whipped around and stared hard at the corner Alex had just disappeared behind. "Hey! I saw something move over there!"

"After the intruder!"

Alex let out another muffled curse and sprinted away from the group of jellybeans. By now the group had spotted him and were pulling out their respective guns. One had apparently pressed some sort of alarm, because the intercoms had begun to emit a high-pitched, wailing siren. "Alert, Alert! The prisoner has escaped! Repeat, the prisoner has escaped! All teams to sector D-39, corridor 5!" The speakers blared.

One jellybean, a pale pink one, was gaining on Alex fast. The abnoxiously colored jellybean smirked and pointed his pink gun at him. At the last minute, Alex paused in his tracks and caught the jellybean in a vicious roundhouse, rendering him unconscious.

Unfortunately, whilst Alex was engaged by the pink jellybean, another jellybean, this one lavender with darker violet splotches, took the opportunity to sneak up behind him and deliver a kick towards Alex's unprotected back. Alex gasped at the impact, temporarily winded. However, he soon regained his breath and darted out using a gap between two approaching jellybeans.

Running along a new corridor, Alex glanced around for some sort of safezone. Cells, cells, cells, locked storage compartment, cells... _Crap!_ Suddenly, a white jellybean poked his head out from behind a door. Alex recognized it as one of the guards from earlier. The spy made to sprint the the opposite direction, but the white jellybean shook his (nonexistent) head violently and silently motioned for Alex to join him in the room. Alex debated for a moment what to do, but once he heard the approaching footsteps of the other jellybeans, he threw caution to the wind and hastily tore into the room.

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**A/N: I lied. Next chapter will be the last... And then maybe an epilougue.**

**Review, please? D=**


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